***Official Joke Thread***

Off-topic posts, quotes of the day and anything else you just would like to vent to the world. PG-13 or below PLEASE!
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by theholycow »

Rope-Pusher wrote:Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,


I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'
Post a picture...I might be willing to insert twice.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, but only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to
have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started......
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER





DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT





THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE





GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE





THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS




DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM


SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME





ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY





ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT





SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S





A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE





THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE





ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE






AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Jesus at a restaurant

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,"Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He,too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my tab."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Med School

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Dear Diary

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.

He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed.. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY

Today, the Cardinals lost, but at least I got laid.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Presidential briefing

During one of his morning briefings an aide tells President Bush that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed overnight in Iraq.

President Bush looks at the man and gasps, goes white and falls off his chair.

After a moment to regain his composure he is helped back into his chair and asks the aide; "In regular numbers just how many is a Brazilian?"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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The new salesman

A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.

How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Aging Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by wannabe »

holy crap vtech!
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Draklen »

another person typed it in all caps, I'm to lazy to retype it.
A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...

GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by comingbackdown »

Draklen wrote:another person typed it in all caps, I'm to lazy to retype it.
A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S .. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT...

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS...

VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR...

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER...

GOOD LOOKING AS WELL .. COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S...

HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, 'GOOD DAY, MADAM .. HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY???

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, 'SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET ??'

HE ANSWERS, "MADAM .. IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT - YOU'RE GOING TO SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE .."
:lol:
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by theholycow »

For your future use...I always have Notepad++ open, and it has a case converter, so I just pasted it and a couple clicks later it was mostly fixed.
A lady walks into tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it...

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...

Good looking as well .. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like tiffany's...

He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, madam .. How may we help you today???

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'

He answers, "Madam .. If you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when i tell you the price ..
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