***Official Joke Thread***

Off-topic posts, quotes of the day and anything else you just would like to vent to the world. PG-13 or below PLEASE!
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Thu Jan 24, 2013 10:43 pm

YOU ARE NEXT
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Thu Feb 07, 2013 10:01 pm

The Jones family had a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the U.S. border.

Because it was so close to the border, the area was the cause for a minor but long-standing dispute between the United States and Canada.

One day, Mrs. Jones came in with the mail. "We just got some news, dear," she said to her husband. “The governments have finally decided that our land is really part of the United States. If we agree, we can choose to join the United States as a part of North Dakota. What do you think?"

"Sign it!” he said, “Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Squint » Fri Feb 08, 2013 4:12 pm

But.. the hockey.. and the free health care..?!?
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Wed Mar 20, 2013 9:49 pm

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on
a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left breast." Kelly said. "And a beautiful
thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Wed Oct 08, 2014 8:49 pm

Have some pun!!!!

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at
him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says
'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least
one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Squint » Thu Oct 09, 2014 9:30 am

:lol: :lol: I love puns...
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby comingbackdown » Sun Oct 19, 2014 4:42 am

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey sitting on his shoulder. Sits down at the bar, orders a beer.
The monkey jumps off his shoulder, grabs a jar of olives and down the hatch it all goes. Then he runs down the bar and grabs a jar of pickled eggs, and down it goes. The bartender tells the guy "You know, that stuff costs money!" He says "Relax, I'll make it right." The monkey jumps onto the pool table and down the hatch goes the eight ball. Bartender says "Alright, we'll square up at the end of the night."
Guy gets ready to leave and says "How much I owe you?" Barkeep says "Just gimme twenty dollars and get out of here." He pays and leaves.

Next week the guy walks back in again, orders a beer, and the monkey dives off his shoulder. The monkey runs right up the the jar of pickled eggs, grabs one, jams it up his ass, the pulls it out and eats it. The bartender says "Now look buddy, in all my years I've never seen ANYTHING like that. Why'd he do that?" The guy answers "After that eight ball he sizes everything up before he eats it."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Mon Feb 09, 2015 10:06 pm

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides!"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Squint » Wed Aug 26, 2015 3:44 pm

At the Edinburgh Fringe Arts Festival, they had a joke contest (I didn't know this was a thing, apparently it is). Here's their top 10:

1."I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" - Darren Walsh
2."Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis
3."Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess
4."What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter" - Masai Graham
5."If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go" - Dave Green
6."Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas" - Mark Nelson
7."Red sky at night. Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night. Day" - Tom Parry
8."The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves" - Alun Cochrane
9."Clowns divorce. Custardy battle" - Simon Munnery
10."They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for..." - Grace The Child

Source.
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'11 Ford Fiesta Hatchback SE 5MT
'14 Giant Escape City 24MT
'97 Honda Civic EX 4AT - Retired @ 184,001 mi

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby comingbackdown » Tue Sep 08, 2015 3:11 am

A policeman stumbles upon a drunk stumbling around trying his keys in the door of every car he can find on the side of the street.
He approaches the drunk and says "Just what do you think you're doing?" Drunk replies "I... I can't find my car, officerrrrr. I think somebody stole it."
The officer asks "Where did you see it last?" The drunk says "Right here on the end of this here key...here."
Sensing a pointless conversation coming on, the officer advises the man to take a taxi home before he winds up in the drunk tank for the night.
The drunk relents, and as he goes to hail a taxi the officer hollers "Hey buddy, your fly is open!" The drunk looks down and yells "Oh my God ossifer, they stole my girlfriend, too!"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Fri Apr 15, 2016 11:35 pm

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The Early Days of Uber: Fare Negotiations
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Fri Apr 15, 2016 11:54 pm

Rope-Pusher wrote:It's That Time Again Boisengurlz!
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Tue Jul 12, 2016 8:19 pm

Chinese Virgins


A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which
he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have
hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he
asks her...

'You want.......
garlic chicken wif snow peas?
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