***Official Joke Thread***

Off-topic posts, quotes of the day and anything else you just would like to vent to the world. PG-13 or below PLEASE!
Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10560
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:53 pm

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Image

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone
turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a
real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings,
when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive
to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but
eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases
with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say
that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to
lease one, and replace it each year.
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

User avatar
noob5,000,000
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 9362
Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2006 10:57 pm
Cars: 1986 Mazda RX-7 x2
Location: Sterling Heights, Michigan
Contact:

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby noob5,000,000 » Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:23 am

How did the hipster burn his mouth?


He ate his dinner before it was cool.
1986 Mazda RX-7 sport ^ parts car status!
1986 Mazda RX-7 base > Project car

User avatar
theholycow
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 15988
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:36 pm
Cars: '80 Buick LeSabre 4.1 5MT
Location: Glocester, RI
Contact:

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby theholycow » Fri Jan 20, 2012 7:17 am

Image
1980 Buick LeSabre 4.1L 5MT

Put your car in your sig!

Learn to launch/FAQs/lugging/misused terms: meta-sig
watkins wrote:Humans have rear-biased AWD. Cows have 4WD

User avatar
watkins
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 15690
Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2007 12:42 am
Cars: 1999 Saab Viggen
Location: Salem, MA

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby watkins » Mon Jan 23, 2012 12:23 am

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After making love she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she obviously loved to do...















As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’
‘Because’, she replied, ‘I miss mine.’
Image

User avatar
4onthefloor
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 1360
Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2008 10:21 pm
Cars: '17 WRX, '07 Impreza
Location: London, ON for now

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby 4onthefloor » Mon Jan 23, 2012 1:00 am

^ Do you speak from experience?
Two pedals, two feet, too easy.

Car: 2007 Impreza 2.5i Special Edition
http://www.standardshift.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=32&t=13230

User avatar
AHTOXA
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 14602
Joined: Sun Dec 23, 2007 6:31 pm
Cars: '16 Ecoboost F150
Location: Coppell, TX

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby AHTOXA » Thu Jan 26, 2012 10:23 pm

Yeah, I bet he had a ball.
'16 Ecoboost F150
'12 Suzuki V-Strom 650
'17 Trek Fuel EX8 27.5+
'08 Giant Trance 1 (old school 26'er)

User avatar
theholycow
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 15988
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:36 pm
Cars: '80 Buick LeSabre 4.1 5MT
Location: Glocester, RI
Contact:

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby theholycow » Wed Sep 26, 2012 4:19 pm

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.

He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
1980 Buick LeSabre 4.1L 5MT

Put your car in your sig!

Learn to launch/FAQs/lugging/misused terms: meta-sig
watkins wrote:Humans have rear-biased AWD. Cows have 4WD

User avatar
Squint
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 3390
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:44 pm
Location: KY

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Squint » Thu Sep 27, 2012 12:42 pm

Image
'15 Mazda 3 iSport Hatch 6MT
'11 Ford Fiesta Hatchback SE 5MT
'14 Giant Escape City 24MT
'97 Honda Civic EX 4AT - Retired @ 184,001 mi

For Pony!

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10560
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Sat Oct 13, 2012 11:44 am

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.
Tom, from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Ben, from Idaho , who never could stand to be outdone said... "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."


Old Platte River Frank the cowboy from Texas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

User avatar
theholycow
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 15988
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:36 pm
Cars: '80 Buick LeSabre 4.1 5MT
Location: Glocester, RI
Contact:

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby theholycow » Mon Dec 10, 2012 3:30 pm

From http://www.safebraking.com/humor-funny- ... lure-joke/

A mechanic, a manager, and a computer programmer are riding in a car. They come to a hill and their brakes fail. After careening down the hill and finally coming to a stop they get out to decide what to do. The manager says “We need to have a meeting to form a committee to see what we should do next!” The mechanic says, “Screw that! Give me a pocket knife and some duck tape and I’ll have us going in no time!” The programmer looks at them both and says, “Lets push it back to the top and see if it does it again.”
1980 Buick LeSabre 4.1L 5MT

Put your car in your sig!

Learn to launch/FAQs/lugging/misused terms: meta-sig
watkins wrote:Humans have rear-biased AWD. Cows have 4WD

User avatar
bk7794
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 1508
Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:16 am
Cars: 00 Civic (Stock)
Location: Central CT

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby bk7794 » Mon Dec 10, 2012 4:14 pm

Not sure if this is in here.

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly
rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-
influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out
of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five
different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front
seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone
left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and
began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver,
read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The
results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded
to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm
the Designated Decoy.


2000 Honda Civic EX 5 Speed
Volvo S60R 6 Speed - Sold

User avatar
noob5,000,000
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 9362
Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2006 10:57 pm
Cars: 1986 Mazda RX-7 x2
Location: Sterling Heights, Michigan
Contact:

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby noob5,000,000 » Mon Dec 10, 2012 4:58 pm

An angry man bursts into a bar waving a handgun and shouts, "Which one of you bastards has been sleeping with my wife?!" A voice from the back of the bar calls out, "I don't think you brought enough ammunition."
1986 Mazda RX-7 sport ^ parts car status!
1986 Mazda RX-7 base > Project car

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10560
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Mon Dec 24, 2012 3:17 pm

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?”

Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.”

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids."
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

User avatar
Squint
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 3390
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:44 pm
Location: KY

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Squint » Wed Dec 26, 2012 8:47 pm

Rope-Pusher wrote:The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife and asked, "Is this your wife, sir?”

Shocked, I answered, "Yes it is."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.”

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she's good with the kids."

At least you're a caring husband, RP. You could have asked if the bus improved her appearance.
'15 Mazda 3 iSport Hatch 6MT
'11 Ford Fiesta Hatchback SE 5MT
'14 Giant Escape City 24MT
'97 Honda Civic EX 4AT - Retired @ 184,001 mi

For Pony!

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10560
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Wed Dec 26, 2012 10:36 pm



This was linked in my mind to "Looks like she was hit by a bus". I couldn't find the original episode where Yakov first appeared before the court.
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"


Return to “Rants and Raves”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests