***Official Joke Thread***

Off-topic posts, quotes of the day and anything else you just would like to vent to the world. PG-13 or below PLEASE!
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby wannabe » Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:33 am

Rope-Pusher wrote:Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!

is that what you do all day?!
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Thu Sep 15, 2011 6:05 am

I have two careers now. By night, I'm a young retiree. By day, I'm a working stiff, making the world a better place for the Amish. I found I couldn't fit in my substitute teaching and election poll chairing any more, so what the Amish gained, the youth and voters of America lost.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Wed Sep 28, 2011 9:18 pm

Image
A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Mon Oct 31, 2011 7:10 pm

int[2x,x,10,13]?
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby 94Corolla5Speed » Mon Oct 31, 2011 8:28 pm

Rope-Pusher wrote:int[2x,x,10,13]?

Is that how you old fogeys formatted integrals back in the day?

Get with the program gramps!

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Mon Oct 31, 2011 8:41 pm

94Corolla5Speed wrote:
Rope-Pusher wrote:int[2x,x,10,13]?

Is that how you old fogeys formatted integrals back in the day?

Get with the program gramps!

Image

Noe, that was even B4 my thyme.
It was just sposta be a pick-up line to a math major.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Sat Nov 12, 2011 11:04 pm

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologize to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this
homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,'
the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby LynnF1 » Mon Nov 14, 2011 2:40 pm

Now THAT was funny, Rope-Pusher!

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby watkins » Tue Dec 13, 2011 1:32 am

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent a declaration through-out the entire known world that he was searching for a chief..

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! "

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly.. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead ?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby RITmusic2k » Tue Dec 13, 2011 8:55 pm

Hahaha, I loved that joke, but I can't let this one little detail go: if the Chinese samurai went woosh four times, then there should be five pieces of fly.

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby theholycow » Tue Dec 13, 2011 9:13 pm

RITmusic2k wrote:Hahaha, I loved that joke, but I can't let this one little detail go: if the Chinese samurai went woosh four times, then there should be five pieces of fly.

He missed once.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby RITmusic2k » Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:19 pm

Then he is no samurai. :evil:

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:48 pm

A dedicated union worker was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?” No,” she replied, “I´m sorry it isn´t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” “The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.”

The man asked, “And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That´s more like it!” the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. I´d like her,” he said.

“I´m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam, “but Ethel here has 53 years more seniority and she´s next.”
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Sat Jan 07, 2012 1:07 am

58.5% Italian

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”
“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”
“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”
“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother.
“This is a job for Mama.”
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Rope-Pusher » Sat Jan 07, 2012 10:13 am

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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